I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
