I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
