you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
