Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
