You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
