My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i was born a porn star she said
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
