I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
