there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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