You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
she told me i tasted like america
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
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