When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
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She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
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you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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