I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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