whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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