the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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