we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
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