Little spoons don't ask big questions
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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