Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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