When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
