YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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