I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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