so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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