I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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