lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
