Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Randomize
