Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
‎"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
