The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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