The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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