I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
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