I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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