Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
