I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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