I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
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