Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
