there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
