is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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