I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
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