Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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