Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
