he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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