Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I'm bleeding and have questions
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
