I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
