God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
