Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
