onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
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when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
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If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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