how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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