apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
