I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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