i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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