i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
