You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
