We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
