I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize