I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Randomize
