I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
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I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
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Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
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