Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
