I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
